Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A Cat Owner's Guide To Our Feline Overlords

Blog friends, it's that time - The time you and I both knew was coming: my first post about my cat. Now, I'm not sure if his cat friends read blogs, so I’m going to call him Melvin in order to protect his identity. Even though he is instantly dislikeable and probably has no friends.

Melvin  is an annoying, grey rat-like creature. At night, he will wait until I am about to sleep before wanting attention. In the early hours, he will claw at my door until I cannot stand the 4am doorstep screeching concert any longer and let him in. Then, on entry he will try and bite me - my head at first, and then after each swat away, he will try biting other parts of my tired body until he gets the reaction he wants: sworn threats on his life, followed by food.

Cats wait for no man. We are slaves to our feline overlords. We attend to their every whim. They live in a world where you feed them, provide them with shelter, play with them, and generally treat them like gold. They do not care.

The common household cat is a strange creature with ridiculous behavioural patterns. For example, when and only when my Grandmother stays with our family, my own kitty captor will constantly attempt to scale the television stand in our living room until he makes a successful attempt to the summit, knocking all pictures, clocks and books down from their lofty position until he proudly arrives at the peak, therefore overseeing the entire room like some sort of flea-infested sniper. It's as if this is some sort of trick he saves for my 90-year-old Grandmother, and he waits eagerly for her arrival every 6 months. The problem for my family is that my Grandmother hates this trick. I think that's why he likes it. She yells at him. "Why does she keep doing that?" my Grandmother asks. (All cats are female in my Grandmother's world.)

Cats. Are. Evil.

And yet, millions of people around the world share their houses with these creatures. Why? At this point I was hoping I would have answer. I do not. All I can think is that it's similar to a medical problem I like to call Dane Cook Fan Syndrome - You hate something so much that you're compelled to spend endless hours with it just so you know you're human because of the angry reaction.

As I type this, Melvin is trying to crawl onto my laptop and bite my fingers, attempting to grasp them with his claws like a kid using one of those toy grabbing machines. Or me, using one of those toy grabbing machines. It must be time for food again.


Kirsty said...

"Cats. Are. Evil."
I agree. My friend has a really cute little kitten, but you have to time your visits carefully because at around 7 o'clock each night the cat suddenly goes mental for half an hour and will attack any moving appendage...

Allison said...

Rob, but you totally know you're a crazy cat man. Don't deny it.

RAY J said...

lol... sounds like my cat!

we started kicking her out of the bedroom when we sleep cuz EVERY morning at 6am she wakes me up, knocking whatever she can off our nightstand. She now likes to hide under the bed when it's time to kick her out... drives me nuts!

She also HATES when I'm on the computer. She'll be perfectly fine, doing her own thing until I open up anything on the computer - even for a second! then she starts meowing and crying for attention, walking all over the keyboard, rolling around on the desk and walking/sitting in front of the monitor, blocking my view.

She also has certain "perches" - if I'm washing dishes, she automatically always climbs up on top of the fridge and sits and watches me. Or if I'm getting ready in the bathroom, she climbs on our metal rack we have attached to the wall above the toilet and sits and watches me at the sink.

Crazy kitty...

kisekae said...

hahaha you crazy cat people. When will you learn.

Allison said...


My thoughts on cat haters (or dog haters).

Rob said...

Kirsty : Yeah, see this is exactly the problem - cats are a law unto themselves - too unpredictable for my liking.

Allison : I might be crazy, and a man. But i will never be a crazy cat man. Fair point in the article. Although i still maintain that cats are evil by nature.

Ray J : Maybe THATS why my cat does that thing where it attacks my hands when i'm on the computer. I generally just feed it and then it's happy. But "playing" with it is a close 2nd option, i suppose.

Kisekae: It's difficult convincing people of the problems with cats. This quest may take centuries.

CuppyCakes said...

I work with The Kitteh's and I have to agree. I do not own one, but I have worked with possibly thousands of cats in the past two years.
Today.. as an example.. I separated two kittehs that were playing a little too rough, and when I went to cuddle the one that was being bullied... HE BIT MY FACE, then attacked my hair!
Thats the last time I help THEM when they play rough.